Baby? Baby-not?

So Daddy and I have attended two Natural Family Planning classes and have found them very informative. After the first one, we had a discussion about giving it a try since I have had trouble with almost every other kind of birth control.
Believe me when I say trouble: The pill gave me irregular periods, made migraines worse and was difficult to remember to take every single day; The patch made me nauseous at the beginning of every week, didn't like to stay put, and wasn't reliable when I was on an antibiotic; The shot made me sick for three days every time I had to take it, gave me thirty-five extra pounds and also made me panic when Aunt Flo stopped showing up for her visits. Then came the IUD which sounded like it would be the right one. I didn't have any nausea, didn't have to think about it except to check for the strings once a month, didn't have as many migraines (though the ones I did have were worse). But it gave me spotting nearly every single day for the last nine months! I rarely went three days without spotting, was too scared to wear my pretty panties, and should've owned stock in Carefree pantyliners! And then.... the strings disappeared!
So Daddy and I weighed our options and compared notes. We both agreed that the best I ever felt was in the few months between stopping the depo shots and having the mirena put it. I wasn't in as much pain and no nausea. And while he was still on the fence about another baby, I was certain I wanted to give B-Boy a baby brother (or sister if that's what God has planned for us). Plus, hearing that I couldn't be absolved of my sins if I continued to use artificial contraceptives was a shock. I mean, seriously, I can't be forgiven for any of my sins if I continue to use birth control? I was a cradle Catholic, my mom was going to be a nun until she reunited with my dad - she used birth control - wouldn't she have told me that? And no, I don't blame my mom, she had other issues that required her to be extremely careful about how many and when to have her babies. Perhaps I missed something in CCD classes growing up, but while I do remember a short paragraph in my confirmation book (which I still have 18 years later) it wasn't really emphasised as anything other than a personal choice, just sort of frowned upon. Our decision? Commit to NFP, period. Daddy's biggest reason, my health. My biggest reason, to prepare my body for the best chance at another baby. As a couple, for our faith and our marriage. Neither of us are "bible-thumpers" and we'll be the first to admit we have had our fair share of sinning. But somehow, this just feels right. We had the IUD removed over a month ago. Aunt Flo made her first normal visit, temperatures were taken, other things that would be considered TMI were observed, charts were recorded.
And then.... Daddy changed his mind and wants another baby! Little fireworks went off in my heart (and then the bedroom). Charting continues, but as of now, we're pretty sure there isn't a bun in the oven. I told my mom yesterday and her reply was, "When it's God's will." How true. But I cannot tell the world enough how much better I feel. I've been pretty close to pain free for a month! I'm so much happier being free to leave it in God's hands. I'm not even sure if Daddy understands just how much happier I feel but I'm sure he sees it. He has definitely noticed how much I'm NOT in pain. Even my doctor noticed a difference and it fits with the diagnosis of what he thinks I have. Do I feel closer to God? Yes, I do. It's weird in a way because I don't think I've felt like this since my confirmation. The day I went to my appointment to have the IUD removed, a funny thought entered my mind. What if all the problems I've always had with chemical birth control have been God's way of telling me it wasn't the way to go and I just wasn't listening? And as I was thinking over that, I was walking to my car to go to lunch and my appointment. For the first time ever, I heard the bells ring from the monastery down the street. I leave for lunch at the same time everyday and have never heard the bells before. I took it as a sign that I was finally doing the right thing. Hearing the bells on the day I was following through on a change of heart. I thank God for that. If it is in His plan to give us another child or not, I will be happy because He has brought me four wonderful children in a way I had never planned for.

Roller Coaster Heartache

This is not an easy post. But then, this is not an easy life. And writing this is going to be hard either way because I can't really post what I am feeling or what I'm feeling it about. Partly because of who might be reading this and knows me. Mostly because I don't even have it sorted out in my head.
It's no one's fault perhaps except my own for being so naive in believing I was being told the truth. Also because I expected a promise from years ago to be fulfilled when I was ready. And yes, granted it could still come to pass - so am I wrong for feeling betrayed when there is still time for what was promised to happen? But can I hold out hope that he will change his mind? Is it even worth the fight if it destroys what he has planned for our future? And his plans wouldn't be destroyed, just postponed for about as long as he has postponed what I (and originally "we) wanted.
But I love him. More than I thought was possible. But is what he wants me to do asking just too much? It's so similar to what my ex-husband demanded. I know he's nothing like Jason, but why ask this of me? Does he not trust me? If he did, he wouldn't ask me to do this. And yet, I know he trusts me because I can do the things I like and be away from our home and he doesn't question. I've not given him any reason to worry. But for this one person, he cannot let go.
I don't know what to do. I've got no one to talk to. My best friend is my husband and I cannot talk things through about my husband with my husband. So I hand this over to the blog-o-sphere and just ask for prayers because I can't ask for advice on something I can't talk about.

What is with this freaky weather!?!

It's cold. Then it's warm. Freezing, then nice. And all the freaky snow!!! There is a saying her in New Mexico, "Don't like the weather, just wait fifteen minutes." That couldn't be more true this winter. We have had more snow than I have ever seen. And I've lived here on and off for over twenty years! We've even been sent home early or on delays and had one full snow day here.
I know what our northern friends are thinking, that they still go to work in several feet of snow. But let me tell ya, New Mexico roads are not built for cold weather. It isn't so much the inches of snow (or in some places - 2 feet), it's that it's usually so warm here right before a snowfall that the snow melts right away or starts as rain. Then all that water gets to below freezing and becomes an inch or two of ice beneath the four inches of snow.
I have a lovely little device on my car called "traction control" and I never thought I would ever use it except if I hit some "New Mexico Black Ice," which is really just the film of oil that floats on top of the thin sheets of water when it does rain. It can be dangerous stuff but it doesn't happen often. I even laughed when I discovered the button for it. "Oh, I'll never use this. We're in New Mexico." I AM NOT LAUGHING NOW. This winter, though, my traction control has automatically activated itself all but two of the days it has snowed. I've noticed that most of my companions on the road don't even bother to try to stop at a four way stop. They just slow down enough to let you go on your turn.
Yesterday was nice, not too cold and the sun was out.
Today has been cold, rainy, then sleet, then snow, and now nothing but cold again.
Where's my fifteen minutes of sunshine?

Just needing to blow some smoke...

Appropriate phrasing for the title there.
I just discovered, quite unexpectedly, that Daddy has been smoking again for nearly three months! Argh! I only noticed because I smelled his hair and he smelled of fake strawberries and cigarette smoke. And no, I have no idea where the strawberry smell is from. He admitted to smoking for the last three months in secret. I'm clearly not happy as this to me is lying. I've been blissfully going along praising my husband for quiting smoking in August and handling it so well when in reality.... he's been hiding it behind my back. I'm very disappointed and while I understand that it is an addiction that is very hard to overcome, that does not permit lying to me about it. Ugh!

Another Opening, Another Show....

Only a few more weeks till opening night. 16 days to be exact. We're getting down to the wire and I've still got to choose two outfits. I've got my gown and my pajamas, but my regular clothes still need to be sorted out. The stage looks great, we've really got it looking like a rustic lakeside cabin. There's even some taxidermy animals and fish! Am I nervous? Not yet, and I think I'm going to be fine. At my age, I don't think there's really any reason to get nervous anymore, I'm pretty sure anything I screw up on I'll be able to laugh at. There's even a part where I'm dressed to the nines in my glittery red gown and I let out a loud burp! How UN-ladylike! My "stage" husband has been a real trouper through all this. I have to push him several times up stairs and through doors. If I were really that type of wife, I'm sure I wouldn't be a wife for long. This character has been alot of fun, and exhausting. She's a real stretch from my last character nine years ago. Not sweet and innocent, but cunning and insincere.
My real life husband has also been my knight in tarnished armor throughout this whole experience. He's taken command of picking up B-Boy from daycare and getting the girls to CCD on Wednesdays. He's even been cooking dinner on more than just two nights a week! And pretty good dinners at that! Without him, I wouldn't be able to do this. He is so much more understanding than my last husband was about "stage husbands/boyfriends" or "theatre kisses." I'll have to do something extra special for him to thank him when this is all done. Any suggestions?
By the way...
Daddy had his birthday this past Saturday and I surprised him with a Slave 1 birthday cake. For those of you who are not Star Wars geeks, that would be Bubba Fett's spaceship. All the guys were totally geeking out on the cake! I'm so proud of myself and Daddy was ecstatic! I'll get pics on here as soon as I can.

I just can't stop laughing!

The following was a conversation that still has me laughing. I just had to share.

Josie: "Dad! Brandon said Bah-bah-goo-bah!"
Dad: "Well, tell him Flibbidygoush."
Josie (to Brandon): "Flibbidygoush!"
Brandon: "Ooooo, that's a baaad wooord!"

*Seriously those were the words they used!

Blooming where I've been planted

When we made the decision to move to Roswell, I'll admit I was scared. I believe I even blogged about my fear. Today I rejoice in the fact that it was a great decision. I have grown as a mother, wife, and most recently as myself in the year and a half that we have been here.

I'm more confident in mothering because I'm not constantly worried about if my mom would've done something different knowing she'll hear about it when the kids arrive at her house after school. Not that I don't still have my mom's voice in the back of my mind giving advice, but I've been forced to make the decisions without her being only five minutes away to ask her advice. I've even managed to buy a few clothes without her opinion, something I hadn't really done since my internship in Florida back in '96! I've even cut my hair twice, dyed it once, and made my first purse purchase without asking my mom to go with me and give her opinion. Believe me folks when I say that's a BIG deal.

My new role as wife isn't too much different now than what it was before I made Daddy an honest man. "Discussions" are fewer but tend to be more intense as we continue to learn each other. I'm trying to make sure my husband knows I love him and how proud of him I am for his accomplishments. It isn't easy as he tends to be terribly hard on himself and takes any downfall personally. His moods, depression, anger at himself and misdirection of frustration can be very trying. Being the shield between him and the children at those times really takes a toll on me, both in heart and energy. He also gets very frustrated waiting for answers about my health from my doctors, but we've found one who shares his frustration because HIS wife is going through a similar lack of diagnosis. Daddy seems to be more patient, though I do have to remind him not to take out his frustrations on the children. He really is a better parent than when we first began this journey.

I have made my return to the theatre! Woo Hoo! It has been nine years since the last production I've been in. That is unless you count my continuous role of "mom" in the production called "Parenting, or How Nurturing a Parasitic Organism for 9 Months can lead to Insanity." The Roswell Community Little Theatre is producing "The Money in Uncle George's Suitcase" and I play one of his nieces who is a bit of a snob (so unlike me) who, with her con-artist husband and most of the other family members, turns into a money hungry monster. I'm having a blast in rehearsals. Last week we rehearsed the scene where I've fallen into a tub of earthworms and come running on stage screaming! Last night was the scene where I'm swallowed by the couch! Once I have my lines memorized, I'll be able to work on the dramatics more. The rest of the cast is wonderful, so many different, fun, friendly people. Our director and another lady are in The Enchanters ladies choir and asked me to join.

The Enchanters sing a'capella harmony and I have been welcomed with open arms. Excepting, perhaps, the director's daughter, I'm the youngest person there... and I'm 35! The Enchanters have been around for 30 years and several of the ladies have been there for the entire history. I love to be there watching and listening to the group harass and chide each other like old friends do. They are all of an age where they just tell it like it is but no one's feelings get hurt. My sides still hurt from laughing so much Monday night!

From on the heels of the invite from The Enchanters.... I was asked this past Sunday to join the choir at our church. When I was 18, my confirmation teacher told me that my talents were a gift from God and that it is only right to give back to God and his church. So how do you tell the church that you can't because you're too busy with other things? YOU DON'T! While I really can't take another evening rehearsal because that would be very unfair to Daddy, they did let me know that I could come to rehearse the hour before church. Since I'm already going to be there for church, being there an hour earlier is not a problem. Even better? I can bring the girls with me since they are all fledgling vocalists themselves! So that only leaves Daddy with our son to wrangle in the pew on Sundays.
Roswell, New Mexico..... I think I've found my place in the world.