Do Gender Roles Affect Our Family's Financial Dynamics?

     I've spent the past week really reflecting on whether gender roles make a difference on the financial decisions and plans of my family. We tend to see ourselves as non-traditional when it comes to gender roles. This is especially true now since both my husband and I work full-time, I'm taking a full-time load of classes, and we're still raising two teenagers while running a small side business. With the addition of schoolwork since last Fall, my husband has been taking over a majority of the evening meal prep. Hardly traditional. And yet, I found myself taking a closer look at why we divided financial responsibility the way we did.

    Traditional American gender roles
would state that as the feminine one, I would contribute the nurturing aspects of the family. This would include cooking meals, taking care of clothing, and caring for the children. My husband would handle the maintenance of the home and vehicles, be technically savvy, and the main provider. In our family, however, the physicalness of those roles are mixed. We both work, we both care for the children, we both fix things around the house. But this week, when thinking about how our financial decisions are made, I realized that this is where gender role traditions appear. My husband and I work the same amount of hours and make almost the exact same amount of pay. We each have separate bank accounts and have divided up who-pays-what as equally as possible with some fluctuation month-to-month. What I noticed was that the household expense each of us pays appears to be divided on traditional gender roles. He pays the mortgage and car parts when needed (maintenance of the home and vehicles). He pays the internet, water, and electric (provider for the home and family). The expenses I take care of align more with traditional feminine expectations. I budget and pay for the groceries, health insurance, clothing, and much of the time I take care of any extra expenses the children need like allowance, field trip money, or buying their musical instruments. These are nurturing expenses while my husbands are more physical. 

    The most insightful thing I've notice when contemplating how gender role might affect our financial decision making is that we're okay with this. In no way does the division of financial responsibility make one of us feel more powerful or superior to the other. We meet on a regular basis to discuss our financial goals, adjust who's paying what when necessary, and keep an open conversation. While it is interesting to see how our upbringing and gender roles have influenced our financial decisions, we still feel that we're equal in this. Open communication and respect for keeping things equal helps keep our family, and finances, strong. 

Let's Talk About Sexual Compatibility

    Sexual compatibility is important to a long-term, healthy relationship. Sexual compatibility is more than just enjoying the physical act of sex, but developing the emotional and mental intimacy required in a healthy relationship. One of the primary needs of any relationship is trust between partners. To create trust, you must learn how to communicate and allow yourself to be vulnerable to your partner. Only then can you discuss your sexual needs, boundaries, and learn to adapt as the relationship and physical needs of yourself and your partner change over your years together.

    As an example, I look at my own relationship. My husband and I have been together for over twenty years. Our sexual relationship has had its moments of ebb and flow that required understanding and communication. In the beginning there was enjoyment of the physical aspects of our sexual connection. But in the years that followed, we experienced mental health issues and medication side effects that affected sexual desire. This required patience, understanding, and several open discussions to find what would allow our relationship to still experience intimacy and connection. Most recently, I have begun the journey into perimenopause. This has resulted in a decrease in sexual activity and interest on my part due to the physical effects of decreased estrogen production. Luckily, because we’ve spent years developing our sexual compatibility and emotional intimacy, my husband has been understanding of my needs and I felt comfortable telling him why I was avoiding the physical side of intimacy. He has since adapted his behaviors and I’ve taken the opportunity to talk with my doctor about my options for navigating this new change in my life. Together, we’ve discussed other options and tools to continue the sexual connection we enjoy.

    

The development of a healthy relationship with positive sexual compatibility starts with open, intimate communication. While it’s best to begin this as early in your relationship as possible, it’s a skill that can be developed at any time. Listen, discuss, and learn about yourself and your partner.

Family Map - We're Never Just In One Spot

    As everyone knows, no family is perfect and every family goes through changes in their relationships to one another which affects the family’s balance and structure. A family’s connectedness is affected by communication breakdowns, health or economic stresses, or just where they are on their life course. In creating this Couple and Family Map, I reflected on major changes in our family’s structure and balance and what caused a change in our place on the map.

Our first point (1, Flexibly enmeshed) is when my husband and I first got together and brought our children from previous marriages into one household. We were completely in love and did everything together. He moved into my house without much discussion and I was just so happy to have him there. We worked together, shopped together, and played together. We did everything we could to merge our families together and our children became best friends. We adapted our parenting styles and compromised on how we would parent our own and each other’s children. The first major change came when my husband received a job offer in another town. We agreed that it was a great idea and developed a plan that I would stay in our hometown with the kids until they were done with school, about four months, and he would go set up house and start work in the new town. This leads to point 2, Structurally Connected. Parenting dynamics had to change as I was the sole parent in the household for months. During that time we each had developed our own interests, I was completing my AA and he was working at his new job and making friends. Once the children and I moved to the new town, things changed again. Point 3, Rigidly Cohesive became our new spot on the map and my husband tried to regain control over parenting and household decisions he thought he lost over the months apart. We were enjoying being together again but there were lots of growing pains as we also added two more children to the mix. Eventually, due to mental health issues, our family ended up at point 4, Rigidly Disengaged. My husband and I separated for two years. With the help of therapy, we were able to return to Structurally Connected (point 5). We again learned to compromise and work with each other on running the household and parenting the children. It would still take a couple of years before we developed shared interests and activities. As of now, I’d say we’re at point 6, Flexible Cohesiveness, because our family has both shared and independent interests and, because the children are much older, the household rules are discussed with everyone and changes are made when needed. Some examples of our flexible rules are bedtimes, allowances, and use of electronics. The children feel comfortable asking to talk with us and discussing what they’d like to change and we are much better about listening.

After reflecting on the changes our family has gone through, I have a better understanding of how the relationship with my husband and children has changed. Knowing all the hurdles we’ve overcome, makes me appreciate all the hard work we’ve put into creating a healthy family. I believe that I’ll have more empathy knowing that all families go through challenges and changes much like the ones my family has.

 

Reflecting on my family

 My family has what I believe is a positive step in the evolution of family culture. From my side, we get our traditional Native American views that we are all part of the greater universe and should do what we can to protect and enjoy the natural world. My husband bring traditions that includes hard work and the importance of caring for family. We've both been raised in military families, made several moves, and been exposed to many different cultures and ethnicities. I believe that our experiences have helped us create a family culture that embraces both our ethnic backgrounds, respect others, reinforce the need for work/life balance, and the diversity of what family means.

My husband's family is Cajun, which is a mix of French, Spanish, Italian, Native American, and West African. His family shares a love of food and their motto is "Powells have rubber walls." Which means that family supports family and if someone needs a place to stay, we don't turn them away, the walls expand (as if they were made of rubber). He also embraces the "weird" and has help me and our children be more confident in being ourselves.

My family background is Native American, Spanish, Polish, and French. Because of trauma experienced by my grandparents' generation, we've lost much of our Native American language because they were not allow to speak it. So I've made it a point to share as much of our other traditions, like herbalist medicine, with our children. I've taught my husband to appreciate a work/life balance and mutual respect for our children rather than authoritative parenting. Food is one area where we experience much of our own and other cultures. We love to make dishes from other countries and cultures and are always looking for more. Perhaps in the future, food will be the link my children share with another culture.

With the many moves between us, we've both learned to create a family through friendships. Among the aunts and uncles our children have are many lifelong friends that have helped us raise our children and that we've helped in return. Our bonus brothers, sisters, grandparents, and children consist of different cultures, gender identities, and sexualities. Because of this, our children have grown up with many trusted adults they are comfortable talking to and we've been able to raise our family with lots of support. We didn't realize how ingrained our adopted family was until earlier this year when our 15-year old son asked what Uncle Jimmy's relationship to the family was since he only see him at his grandparents' house or when he's in town for a concert. Uncle Jimmy is my biological brother and when we explained this he asked if Uncle James was my husband's brother. Uncle James is my husband's best friend but he's a trusted uncle to our children whom our adult children visit on their own and our eldest son came-out to first. 

I believe that as the world changes and blood-related families become smaller, developing family relationships with close friends will become more important. We've been successful in raising children in a family where our ethnic differences are embraced, traditions are celebrated, and family means more than to whom you are born. 

Copied from my Facebook. Sorry it's been so long since the last post. Will explain later. But first, an adventure!

Peter Powell, Tony Gage and I had quite the adventure this weekend. It began with my mom, Elizabeth Rodriguez coming over to watch the kids with help from my dad. This allowed for me to accompany the men to the Wednesday 13 concert at Tricky Falls in El Paso, Texas. We dressed accordingly and if you know Wednesday 13, you know what I mean. We decided to make a full circle by going through Alamogordo, NM to get there and returning through Carlsbad, NM. We first stopped for coffee at the Travel Center in Mescalero. While standing outside drinking our coffee and Pete & Tony smoking, an elderly lady saw us and sort of freaked out. Shortly after she went into the casino, out came security guards who began "keeping an eye on us". After a few minutes, I guess when they decided we weren't a threat, they went back inside. Then we stopped in Alamogordo at the Hi-D-Ho for some burgers. Within five minutes, the whispers and sideways glances began. So whenever one of them would look over their shoulder at us, Pete would make eye contact then wave at them with a friendly, "Hi there. How're you doing?" Then the person would make an uncomfortable smile and say an embarrassed hi and quickly turn back around. He did that twice. We got our burgers and started to leave but not before Pete rolled down the window and leaned out to wave and yelled, "Thank you Alamogordo, you've been a great audience!" We proceeded to the concert and had an awesome time. Hung out with the band afterwards and got a few surprises for our home and our radio listeners. Then it was time to head home. We were about to get on the highway when the driver next to us, who was in a right turn only lane decided he wanted to go straight and hit the side of our car. Then he drove around us cussing and flipping us off, which was returned to him. He was driving in front of us weaving back and forth, having trouble staying in his lane. We realized he was drunk and were so glad we weren't in a worse accident with him. Stopped at Taco Cabana for a snack and left El Paso. I started taking a nap in the back but then woke up upon reaching the border patrol checkpoint. Apparently, the drug dog alerted to our car and we were asked to pull over and park, show ID, leave the vehicle and sit on a bench while the officers and the dog went through the car. We had to empty our pockets and answer questions. One officer said to us, "If you smoked any pot, we really don't care, just let us know." Okay, so we don't smoke pot. We barely drink. But one has to wonder if people really implicate themselves with that question. Then Pete and Tony ask if they can smoke while we're waiting and they are told they can. The wind begins to blow and Pete starts shivering with cold. All I can think, and you'll have to forgive my language here, is "My God. He's shaking like a guilty crack addict, we're so fucked!" By now, there are six officers standing beside us while two and the dog are going through the car. One officer asks us what concert we went to and when we told him Wednesday 13, he totally geeked out! Told him about the concert and the souvenier we got (which, okay, came from the band and may be what triggered the dog). He is seriously standing there all excited talking to us while the other officers are staring at him as if thinking, "Dude, what the fuck are you talking to them for? We're trying to be intimidating." And then, they let us go because neither they nor the dog found anything. So we start driving to Carlsbad and I went back to sleep. About ninety miles before Carlsbad, the guys wake me up because the car is doing something funny. It's losing power and lurching or slowing down. When Pete would apply the gas it would speed up but then all the lights inside and outside the car would go out plunging us into complete darkness at 65 miles an hour. He would then tap the break and the lights would come on only to have the car lurching again. It was decided we would stop in Carlsbad because Pete didn't want to stop in the middle of nowhere and chance the car dying. The rest of the ride to Carlsbad was in panicked silence. We hit every red light and the car sputtered while Pete had one foot on the break and the other on the gas to try to keep the car going. We parked at my Carlsbad office because it's a government building with a large parking lot. I figured no one would bother us and there was plenty of space if we needed to get a tow truck. By then, it was 4:30 in the morning. We got out of the car and looked under the hood but then figured we'd just sleep in the car till the sun came up and look in the daylight. AT 7 we all woke up. Took a look at the car, started it up and then... the transmission light came on! Pete turned the car off and called Geico road assistance. It would be an hour before the tow truck got to us. Tony and I walked to the Alsups for the bathroom and some much needed coffee. When the tow truck arrived, Pete told him what was going on and he recommended taking us to a place that would do their best to get us on our way same day. We regaled him the tale of our adventure and had him laughing his lungs out. He took us to Atwood's Automotive which I highly recommended to anyone who needs car care in Carlsbad! While they worked on our car, we walked the streets of downtown Carlsbad for breakfast and bathrooms, had some ice cream and met some nice people. Also spent some time working on our radio script. Atwood's had the car fixed by 1pm. They were the nicest people and the lady in the office had two beautiful children, one a little girl with goth interests and a love of owls. We answered her questions and told her it was great to be your own person. I gave her my owl charm. We got on the road and made it home to loving children by 3:30. Plenty of time to laugh and visit and spend some time with the kids. It could've been a very scary adventure, but we handled it with laughter and I couldn't be happier to have shared it with two wonderful men. Thanks, Peter and Tony for making it a fun adventure instead of a scary series of unfortunate events. I love you guys!

Feeling better...

Finally starting to feel better. Got a huge, unplanned, but getting used to it, surprise at the beginning of March. We are pregnant with what will be our sixth child.
I cried for three days straight.
And then I felt extremely guilty about it and went deeper into the abyss.
To the point that it started affecting my work. Especially on the 17th through the 19th of April. I stopped being able to recognize that the person talking was me. It was not pretty.
I finally called for help and should be seeing someone soon. And surprisingly to me, just admitting I need help and finally making that phone call, has me feeling better.
I also changed prenatal vitamins. I stopped taking the ones with an herbal supplement. Went for about a week without any. And then found gummy prenatals which are AWESOME! I love them. The smell doesn't make me want to vomit, they taste great, and they don't give me indigestion.
Also, Artie got hand, foot, and mouth and had to be out of child care for nearly a week. So I got almost a week off work.
I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.
I'm so lucky to have such great bosses!
I'm so blessed to have such a supportive and loving husband!
I'm starting to feel happy about this gift from heaven growing inside me!

On a lighter note...
Mother's Day is coming this weekend and I am looking forward to spending some time with the moms in my life. I also got a small reminder the other day about life as a mom.
Trying to attend to nature one afternoon and my toddler starts knocking on the door crying for mommy.
And just off the cuff I started singing... (to the Beatles's "Let it be.")

Let me pee,
Let me pee,
Let me pee, oh, let me pee.
Give me some privacy,
Let me pee-ee!

It was so funny, if I hadn't already been on the potty, I would've peed myself with laughter (and a baby bouncing on my bladder).

Hope all is well and all the mom's out there have a great mother's day!

It's a gray day

I'm having one of those gray days. Except, this grayness has lasted for a few months. I'm to the point where I just want to stay in my pajamas, under the covers of my bed and the rest of the world be damned. This is not a good feeling.

And I think I'm to the point where I need help.

I don't want to plan dinner, or go to rehearsal, or be on the computer, or go to work, or eat, or talk, or even have people I love come to visit. I want the world to just stop for a moment (as long a moment as I want) so that I can just lay there and not have to think about anything and just have a long cry.

All hope is not lost, I do still want to smell my baby's hair, or have my children sit still in my lap, or go outside to walk. Except the walk includes the urge to just keep going. Down the street, past the orchards