The Ideal Partner

     What does one look for in the ideal partner? That is the question this week. While I have many ideas of what my personal ideal partner is, I also think that it is a continuously evolving view. 

    First of all, my partner needs to be my best friend. I do not believe in "Love at First Sight" because I don't believe that anyone can love me without knowing me, and vice versa. For me love involves a deep level of intimacy between friends where there is open assertive communication beyond everyday conversation. Sometimes the conversation can be serious such as "what would you do if I became disabled?" Sometimes the conversation can be silly but thoughtful. Earlier this week, my husband asked me "If we had a pet possum, what would you name it?" (The answer is Henry, by the way and my husband agreed that it was an excellent name for a possum. There are reasons.) We should have some shared interests but also be able to enjoy activities on our own or share the things we love with each other. My partner should be strong enough in his own ego to not feel threatened by my successes, talents, or awards. Just as I would be proud of their success, they should feel the same about mine.

    Secondly, we should have similar views on finances, child rearing, and work/life balance. The finances and work/life balance views are important to me because of past relationships. My first engagement ended because while I didn't want an expensive engagement ring, my fiancé insisted that I needed some grand monstrosity that cost more than my first car. To afford it, he worked extra shifts and I never saw him for nearly four months which caused a serious strain to our relationship. Eventually, he was arrested for stealing from the company and I could not abide remaining in the relationship. My first marriage ended in part due to differences in child rearing as I don't believe in physically punishing a 13-month old child.

    Third, my partner should be understanding of fluctuating needs on the passion side of our relationship triangle. Physical touch and sexual intimacy is important to me. It allows me to feel attractive and confident. However, changing hormone levels, especially now in peri-menopause, has cause my libido to wax and wane unpredictably. Luckily for me, my husband has been very understanding during these changes. Years ago, I had to do the same for him as he and his doctor were navigating medications and dosages to improve his mental health. 

Fourth, while more clinical than romantic, I spent my mate selection years trying to find someone with healthy genetics. Having grown up surrounded by family members with a specific health problem, I kept the idea of giving my future children the best possible chance of avoiding that health problem by avoiding potential mates with health issues. I'm a little embarrassed to say that I have found someone attractive one minute, only to instantaneously lose that attraction because they disclosed that they had that health issue. Now that my childbearing years are over, genetic compatibility is (presumably) no longer an issue.   

    At the beginning of this, I stated that I believe our thoughts of what makes the ideal mate evolves. I believe this evolution occurs because of changes in our life path and how those changes affect our views. For example, when looking for a mate at 20, I never would've thought to consider if they would be supportive of a lack of libido during menopause. It also didn't occur to me at 25 to ask my first husband about child discipline but it was certainly something I discussed at 30 prior to getting serious with my second husband. We live, we learn, we change our views. And hopefully, we find our ideal person and we are that person for them.