Feeling better...

Finally starting to feel better. Got a huge, unplanned, but getting used to it, surprise at the beginning of March. We are pregnant with what will be our sixth child.
I cried for three days straight.
And then I felt extremely guilty about it and went deeper into the abyss.
To the point that it started affecting my work. Especially on the 17th through the 19th of April. I stopped being able to recognize that the person talking was me. It was not pretty.
I finally called for help and should be seeing someone soon. And surprisingly to me, just admitting I need help and finally making that phone call, has me feeling better.
I also changed prenatal vitamins. I stopped taking the ones with an herbal supplement. Went for about a week without any. And then found gummy prenatals which are AWESOME! I love them. The smell doesn't make me want to vomit, they taste great, and they don't give me indigestion.
Also, Artie got hand, foot, and mouth and had to be out of child care for nearly a week. So I got almost a week off work.
I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.
I'm so lucky to have such great bosses!
I'm so blessed to have such a supportive and loving husband!
I'm starting to feel happy about this gift from heaven growing inside me!

On a lighter note...
Mother's Day is coming this weekend and I am looking forward to spending some time with the moms in my life. I also got a small reminder the other day about life as a mom.
Trying to attend to nature one afternoon and my toddler starts knocking on the door crying for mommy.
And just off the cuff I started singing... (to the Beatles's "Let it be.")

Let me pee,
Let me pee,
Let me pee, oh, let me pee.
Give me some privacy,
Let me pee-ee!

It was so funny, if I hadn't already been on the potty, I would've peed myself with laughter (and a baby bouncing on my bladder).

Hope all is well and all the mom's out there have a great mother's day!

It's a gray day

I'm having one of those gray days. Except, this grayness has lasted for a few months. I'm to the point where I just want to stay in my pajamas, under the covers of my bed and the rest of the world be damned. This is not a good feeling.

And I think I'm to the point where I need help.

I don't want to plan dinner, or go to rehearsal, or be on the computer, or go to work, or eat, or talk, or even have people I love come to visit. I want the world to just stop for a moment (as long a moment as I want) so that I can just lay there and not have to think about anything and just have a long cry.

All hope is not lost, I do still want to smell my baby's hair, or have my children sit still in my lap, or go outside to walk. Except the walk includes the urge to just keep going. Down the street, past the orchards

The Skinnier Me...then Opps!

I tend to believe that everything that happens, happens for a reason or because of karma.
Friday of last week, I fit into size 8 pants. Yea!!! I was so proud. I was verbally proud.
Friday night was opening night of the play I'm currently in. A few minor hiccups, but it all went well.
Saturday night had a few more hiccups, but we persevered and made it to the ending scene...where I lost my skirt!
Seriously. One minute I'm throwing scraps of papers into the fireplace and the next I feel a funny tickle on my ankle. I looked down and saw my skirt. I reached down and pulled my skirt and said my line with a little bit of a suppressed giggle, "So much suffering already in the world, I can't bear for there to be anymore." Yep, bear (bare). Which only enticed the audience to laugh even more. Now this play is not a comedy, but the following lines of "...do not think that I shall ever forget," and "Neither shall I forget," caused even more laughter and I'm sure the audience shall never forget either!
To top it all off, the following people were in the audience: two of the well seasoned directors I have yet to work with (they were proud of how I handled it), the woman who baby sits my children, one of the owners of the bank my husband works for, one of the VPs of said bank, and the secretary of the President of the bank.
To date, my cheeks are still warm and glowing from embarrassment.
I safety-pinned my skirt to my blouse for the Sunday matinee.
I also told my husband to mention to his bank that our theatre company would love any donation which would help us move into our new building and perhaps have costumes that fit better. I figured I might as well beg for donations while I had their attention.
Well, skirt and all, I am glad to be losing the baby weight and slowly getting back to my old self. Though now I won't take so much pride in it. Maybe.

Monday, WTH!

In my defense, this doesn't happen often and no children were harmed in the making of this Monday WTH (What the Heck).

Also, I do realize how blessed I truely am in having such lovely neighbors who would brave having someone they only recently met see them in their pajamas on the first day of their vacation.

Yesterday, I used my keys to start the minivan. I was not the one driving, my husband was. But I turned on the car out of impatience because it was seriously like 106 degrees outside, so the inside was like 400! The air conditioner in my van is wonderful and works so well that sometime I have to turn it off so I can defrost the kids to get them out. My husband drove us home after the movie and did not put my keys where I put them. I always (okay, usually) use the clip on my keys to latch them onto my purse so I don't lose them.
I was notorious in college for never knowing where my keys were. My husband knows this about me; it's not something new.
He put my keys on the dining room table. I'm sure you can see where this is heading.
This morning, I gathered our children and ushered them out the door carrying the baby with Josie trailing behind me. I asked her to close the front door but to make sure it was locked.
"Is it locked?"
"I don't know, it's sorta like this" - makes hand gesture to show up & down.
"Then it's not locked, you need to turn it."
"Okay, mom, it's locked."
Then we got in the van and I grabbed the loop of my purse to get my keys...
No keys...
NO KEYS! Not to the van, the house, nothing. I think fast but there are no ways (that won't cause damage to my beautiful house) to break into my house to get the keys.
(Deep breath) Fine, I'll just call Daddy...
No Phone!
Blink.....blink.....open car door and walk in a circle around the van...get back in van. (I seriously have no idea what good I thought that would do)
"Okay, everyone wait here while I go to the neighbor's house to borrow their phone to call Daddy."
So I went to my neighbor's house and rang the doorbell. After an eternity, I started to walk away but heard the latch on the door being moved so I jumped back in front of the door. My gentleman neighbor poked his head from around the door and I very sheepishly told him about my misadventure and could I please use his phone to call my husband. He asked me to hold on just a moment and closed the door. His wife then open the door and invited me in while she tried to figure out how to unlock her new blackberry so I could call Daddy. She was in a housecoat and her husband was coming down the hall buttoning his shorts. Eventually we had to use her husband's phone and I called Daddy hoping he would answer even if he didn't recognize the number.
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey. It's me. Um, I'm locked out of the house and can't start the car."
"They're on the table."
"Uh-huh. Remember you were using my keys..."
"I'll be there in five minutes."
"Thanks, honey. I love you."
My lovely neighbors offered me a ride, which I declined because I needed to get the kids off to their various daycares. So then they offered to let me drive one of their cars. I didn't think people like this still existed! Thank God I live next to such fine people. I thanked them very much and told them my husband would be here soon and I had to get back to the kids.
I believe I've learned a few things today:
never be so impatient for the AC as to use my keys to turn on the car when I am not the one driving.
never assume the keys are where they are supposed to be
to find a place to hide an extra key
and to thank God again for such amazing neighbors!

Daddy: "Where was the scorpion?"

In the upstairs hall above the bathroom door. I can honestly say it took me about ten minutes to kill it. Ten seconds to whack it with the fly swatter, two seconds to realize that didn’t work, twenty seconds trying to squish it in half using the edge of the fly swatter as it frantically tried to sting the shiny purple plastic, five seconds to release it in the hopes that it would stick to the fly swatter, five seconds watching it fall to the floor still alive and intact while screaming “IT FELL, IT FELL, IT FELL”, three seconds to jump off the kitchen stool and stomp it to near oblivion with my foot safely caressed in your ugly boots. I believe fifteen seconds were spent on moving the boxes Josie put in the hall, delaying the inevitable by requesting the fly swatter followed by asking for the kitchen stool and tucking in the laces on the boots. The other nine minutes consisted of me trying (successfully until the scream) to maintain my composure, finding my courage to even GO up the stairs, while inside there was another version of myself running around in a panic screaming, “OHMYGODTHERE’SASCORPIONUPSTAIRSANDMYKIDSNEEDMETOKILLIT!” followed by a fleeting thought that perhaps I could call you to come kill the freaking scorpion while looking at the scorpion wishing it didn’t exist.
~The e-mail to my husband to answer his question.

(Wo-)Man's Best Friend

My Dearest Sir Slash,
Sweet canine friend, I will miss our walks through the neighborhood. Actually, I really miss them already. I miss the smell of your fur after you've had a bath and the way you would nuzzle me just like a cat. I miss you greeting me at my bed each morning when Daddy would come to wake me up and I miss you curling up behind my knees when I would give the children their morning cuddles on the couch. I even miss having to chase you each time someone let you out of the yard. But the memory I will cherish most of all is when you would lay your head on my tummy while I was pregnant and then look at me with bewilderment when that little someone kicked.
I hope, dear friend, that we will meet again and that you are enjoying running the meadows of heaven. Your passing took me by surprise as did my reaction. I didn't realize just how much you had touched my life in the short time you were mine. Even now, several weeks later, my eyes fill with tears and writing this is difficult. I have been meaning to get this out but I haven't because thinking about it hurts so much. But holding it in doesn't honor your loyalty or your life. I want to thank you for sharing your life with me and my family. You are truly one of the best of God's creatures and I will always love you and remember you fondly.
Eternally,
Your Human Mommy

Two Conflicting Bees

Okay, so I'm not talking about actual bees. My two conflicting B's are Breastfeeding and Blood-sugar. Specifically, low blood-sugar. When I am good, as in I have been eating regularly - not skipping meals, not overly stressed, not overly active, getting my normal 7 hours of sleep, my blood-sugar is pretty normal. When I "forget" I have to be conscience of my time/meals/etc, things can and have gotten pretty bad. Those who have had episodes of low blood-sugar can attest to the various situations they have found themselves in. My own have not been pretty. I can honestly say the worst was sitting outside the grocery store, crying my eyes out, waiting for my best friend to come and help me remember what it was that I needed to do there (cash my paycheck and buy milk, flour and bananas for a pancake breakfast I was hosting the next day). I remember feeling so stupid. Had I been paying attention, I would've remembered to eat my 4 o'clock snack and not skip it thinking I'd have time later. Lately, however, my mistake has been not compensating my body's needs with the fact that I have been feeding another human being. I am a full-time breastfeeding mama. I don't use formula if I can help it - my body is (so far) keeping up with this baby but I did have to supplement when B-Boy was a baby. Little Artie is still too young for cereal, so his nutritional needs are completed by me. And it has been a hard road with this blood sugar thing. I go to the child care center to feed Little Artie at lunch. If I forget to pack a lunch, I go feed him first and then try to make it somewhere to pick up something. But by the time I feed the baby and leave, I only have 15-20 minutes of my lunch hour left. And if my blood sugar is too low, I have a very difficult time trying to decide where to go or what to eat. And heaven forbid a repeat of two weeks ago. My hubby said he's bring me lunch, so I went to feed the baby. An hour and a half later, he came with my lunch. I'm proud of the fact that I didn't kill him. My office-mates are really glad he finally showed up because the delay in lunch had not made me a pleasant person to be around. Sort of how a hungry lion gets when you dangle a piece of meat in front of the cage and don't deliver. So now I'm starting to get really good about taking lunch with me. Then I eat the sandwich on the way to the center, feed the baby, and eat the fruit on the way back to the office. So far, as long as I keep my snacks at their regular time, this has been working. It's just so annoying having to relearn my body again.