Thursday, November 18, 2010

My Sweet Little Gentleman

I have a sweet little gentleman and I'm not completely sure how that came about. He has begun to open my car door for me everywhere we go. He checks up on me every few minutes to make sure the baby and I are doing well. He's even gotten up in the middle of the night to check on me. He's only four years old! My little B-Boy has become a perfectly sweet little gentleman. I'm sure he's been watching his father, but I never expected him to take so much care of me. He'll even ask me if I need him to scratch my back and on more than one occasion, he's just come to me and started to brush my hair. I must be the luckiest mommy in the whole world.
My little gentleman will be five in just one more month. He is so excited to be getting a baby brother as an early birthday present. He surprises me with everything he is learning and with how dare-devilish he can be. And his understanding of the world around him? He pointed to a car last night that he really likes and said, "When I grow up and get a job, that's the car I'm going to buy." When I pulled over the car to see if our eldest wanted to try to pull into the driveway (she said no) he told her it wasn't that scary and she was old enough but "I have to wait until I'm older." No whining, no crying, no bartering about wanting to drive. He completely understands that there are just some things he has to wait for. He is learning patience. It's a big thing to learn for someone so little. He amazes me everyday!

Friday, November 5, 2010

On a scale of 1 to 10, YOU are an 11!

On a Friday eleven years ago, a beautiful angel came into my life and made me a mommy. It was such a wonderful occasion that they held a parade the morning after. Granted it was the Veteran's Day parade, but it was still a parade and it was just after my angel's birth. So beautiful, she smiled at me right away. The first to hold her, other than the doctor and nurses, was her grandmother. They have had a special bond ever since, it's beautiful to watch. Her other grandmother was waiting patiently and it was love at first sight. They, too, share a special bond.
My angel has been my life. Without her, I would not have left a difficult situation. She saved me and has helped me grow not just as a mom, but as a human being. Through her, I have learned patience. I have learned to let my creativity grow without being afraid of what other people think. I have learned to appreciate again with child-like wonder the song of a bird, color of a rainbow, and the warmth of the sunshine.
She is now officially taller than me! She is playing the violin and doing so well in school. I love when she comes home with some new piece of fact, "Mom, did you know...." Some things I do, some things I don't. She does take after me in many ways - still doesn't know how to ride a two wheel bike. I'm hoping to teacher her after the baby comes, she's less afraid now than before.
Eleven. Where did time go?

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I want to cry, but I don't

I have a sort of clenching feeling in my chest and I feel like my eyeballs are about to burst. If I let myself, I will cry. Not tears of sadness or even of the tremendous joy I feel. Tears of utter frustrations and confusion of what I should do. I have a beautiful child, Josie. She can be the sweetest little girl in the whole wide world, especially when she wants something from you or if we are around people she likes (who usually have something she wants).

But when we are alone and I need her to be a big eight year old girl and clean her room, brush her hair, or any of the other things she is more than capable of doing, she becomes a nightmare. And I don't mean that she's kicking and screaming or throwing a tantrum. That would be easy, I've been through that with each of the other children. She becomes what I can only think of as passive-aggressive. Everything has to be repeated over and over. She is constantly distracted. She won't clean her room, she'll fall asleep under her bed. She will only brush her hair... to a point. Homework has to be carefully watched and checked because she won't do it. Timeouts, don't work. Physical discipline, doesn't work. Grounding her from playtime with friends, doesn't work because she doesn't have any friends. Taking away toys, books, outside time doesn't work because she doesn't care. Even the opposite, giving rewards for completing a task, doesn't work. And if I do get upset with her and send her to her room, I have a bloody mess to clean up because she will rub, scratch, pick her nose or any other place on her body till she bleeds; and she doesn't cry when she does it. I almost don't believe the child feels pain, just like she can't feel if the shower is too hot or cold.

The worst part is that I don't feel like anyone understands how difficult she can be. I believe that because she is such a sweet child around other adults, they just can't believe how difficult she can be. Even her pediatrician tried to blame our dry air and not putting Neosporin in her nose for the nosebleeds. It took me telling her three different times before she understood that the child gives herself the nosebleeds. We have a humidifier, we use Neosporin, but I cannot keep the child from making herself bleed the minute I turn my back. It should not be this hard to convince people. I should not be made to feel like I'm overexaggerating because she's a damn good little actress. I even have a hard time gettting my own husband to believe how difficult she can be. The only person who I know understands is my mom. My mom has seen this little girl in action when she doesn't think anyone is looking. And if looks could kill from this girl, I'd be dead ten times over. My mom doesn't fall for her "I don't understand" or "I need help doing this" bologna. And I just feel so frustrated that I'm ready to cry. I need help.

Friday, October 1, 2010

October, I love you!

I love October!

If October were a guy, it would be the perfect guy for me: not too hot, not too cold, smells good, has beautiful sounds and colors, awesome events like the Balloon Festival, State Fairs, Halloween, that added bit of expectation at the beginning of the holiday season, and mystery.

Today being the first of October, came with much good news and an extra dose of expectation. We are now one less obstacle away from relaxing about the finances. We also have our date for the arrival of our newest baby boy! December 7th! I'm so excited that I might just stay up tonight and bake the pumpkin pie I've been craving! I am so looking forward to meeting this little boy who's been growing, kicking, rolling and causing heartburn for the last seven months. As we have said this is our last pregnancy, I am enjoying every minute of it. We even (finally) gained some weight... 3 pounds. Hey, it's a start. I look huge, at least to myself. Other people have other opinions. Some say I'm huge and look like I'm gonna pop any minute and others are shocked by how small I am. I even had a lady yesterday who sees me about every two weeks who was surprised to find out I was really pregnant! I already love this little boy and his brother, B-boy, already loves him too. I've notice that if B-boy is sleeping in my bed, he and his little brother both wiggle and kick in their sleep if I'm rolled onto my left side. B-boy sleeps on the right. But if I roll right and they are next to each other, they both sleep peacefully. I think the little boy bond is already happening. I'm looking forward to the days when they'll be happily walking side by side together.
The weather has already turned into that lovely combination of cool mornings and tolerable afternoons followed by perfectly lovely evenings. I wish I could sleep outside. I've already begun driving with the air conditioner off and the windows down to enjoy the wind in my hair - which leads to very tangled hair as it is now down to my waist again. I'm trying very hard this pregnancy to avoid the temptation to chop it all off like I did with the last two. My hair grows best when pregnant and I'm not going to get this opportunity again.
It is the season of baking and get togethers, warm sweaters on cool evenings, spicy sweets and warm drinks. Thank you October, I love you!

Friday, September 3, 2010

It's been a long time, old friend

It feels like forever since I last had the energy or time to blog. I've truly missed it. Life, real life, has a way of keeping you busy. We are nearing opening night of the play I did get into. And yes, I got the part of the pregnant lady. It's a drama and the last two scenes involve lots of emotion and crying, but it's a great way to grow as an actor, really streaches my limits. It's also emotionally draining and I'm tired every single night. But I love the theatre as much as I love breathing. I was even over-stressed the other night and felt some way too early contractions but after 20 minutes in the theatre, I was relaxed and the pain went away.

We are extremely under-staffed at work. I'm having to cover an office over two hours away twice a week which involves leaving my home office at 6:45a and not getting back until 6p. Then in August, a co-worker in my home office quit. She went on to what will surely be greener pastures for her and her family. But August is our busiest month and until yesterday, I was over two weeks behind. I'm amazed by what I can get done in two days time, I am now only three days behind on my own caseload.

My darling hubby is stubbornly holding out on rearranging our bedroom for the new baby saying, "We've got plenty of time." I pointed out to him that he's been saying that for four months now and we are down to only 12 weeks left! This baby isn't going to wait forever. Luckily, I have two daughters nearly my size to help and together we moved the bed to where I want it. I think this is the earliest I have ever had nesting syndrome and I can get quite emotional about it, just ask my girls. Some days when they've destroyed the house I am calm and reasonable with them about how important it is that the house stay clean. But other days I am the screaming banshee from hell! I think it would be easier if I was closer to my mom like last time and could take the kids to her house when I went into labor. This time I'm nearly two and a half hours away and will have to rely on the close friends we've made here to come to MY house. I could go insane with how worried I alway am about how clean my house should be when people come over. I even worry about the various religious persons to come knocking at my door for fear that they will see my laundry being folded in the living room because the garage is too hot. I know we'll get it to where I want it to be but the waiting is driving me nuts. Again, ask my girls... I think they secretly laugh behind my back about how crazy mom is right now.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

We had our first OB appointment this past Thursday, I was so excited. But we didn't get to hear the heartbeat or learn our due date. However, I am scheduled for an ultrasound this Thursday morning to find out. I really hope the baby is cooperative and we get to see/hear him.
The nausea is better but not entirely gone. I can't even stand the smell of my coffee after about 20 minutes. Actually, pretty much any food smell turns my stomach after 20 minutes. My children have been benefiting from lots of raw foods or things cooked outside on the grill because I just cannot stand the smell in my house. Also, a few nights of cereal for dinner, which for them is a real treat. I even made pancakes for dinner one night. I tried to make a huge batch of green chile stew only to get about halfway through before I couldn't stand the sight or smell of the raw pork. And don't even get me started on chicken! The only thing making this easier is the craving for pizza. Pizza allows me to get away with several things: satisfy the craving, no cooking, paper plates and no utensils. Hamburgers and peanuts cause me to rapidly fly to the bathroom, yeck! But an avocado sandwich is bliss, especially with baby spinach and cucumber slices on wheat bread, yum! And boy, do I have a sweet tooth! Chocolate, cookies, frozen yogurt. Daddy even had to text a friend one night to find out where she got the cookies from that she served at her bar-b-que because I REALLY wanted some. He's such a sweetie and got them for me. They also magically ease the nausea in the middle of the day.
I have learned that cereal for breakfast isn't enough to eat in the mornings. I get the shakes and hot flashes at around 10:30am and have to get something in my tummy quick. So I'll have to add a protein from now on. I also learned that the pickled ginger that came with my dragon roll the other day works wonders on the nausea! I knew ginger was great but pickled ginger I can suck on for-ever! Plus a dragon roll is always a great go-to when you can no longer have sashimi. We found a wonderful recipe for Spinach-Mushroom-Tofu soup in my "One Armed Cook" cookbook that has been great for the nausea too. Plus, it's got just enough protein and fiber to make a good main meal. I ate it for three days! Even my non-tofu and non-mushroom eaters ate every last drop and begged for more! Only one thing... the spinach feels funny on your teeth, sort of like screaming wax beans. (If you've ever eaten wax beans, you know what I mean. The screaming sorta freaks me out.)
I had my birthday this month, I'm on the slide to forty because I can no longer say I'm in the middle of my thirties... 36. What the hell? Where did the time go? I definitely don't feel that old! When my mom was 36, I was 14 and taller than her! She had teenagers at my age, and here I am pregnant with my 3rd/5th child! Her youngest was eight when she was my age. Perhaps that's why I admire her so much. By the time she was my age, she'd done so much. I'm proud of the things I've done too, but somehow, I feel like I dragged my feet a little. I know my mom wouldn't think of it that way, she's glad I took the time to live on my own, go to college, travel. I look back and I see that the reason I took so long to get out and do something was because I was scared. I was scared to leave home, go to college, get married, terrified of becoming a mom, horrified that I was going to be trapped, or worse, do it all wrong. My only regret is the time I wasted being scared all the time. I see that there is so much I would've done better if I hadn't let fear hold me. So I'm taking 36, pregnancy and all, and I've going to face my life, my choices, my husband, my family without fear that I'm doing it wrong. I'm going to live without that voice in my head that says "I can't", the voice that says "I shouldn't", or what "would your parents think?" I have a loving husband and family who are so supportive of me. I have an opportunity to do a play I have wanted to do since I first heard of it. I will be approximately six months pregnant when it is performed. The character I hope to play is six to seven months pregnant. I know one person (whom I love dearly) will not be happy with my decision to be in a production while I'm pregnant and my husband is left at home with the children. But my husband and children are supportive of me, and I will count on them and not let the fear of what "one person" might say or think of me determine my actions. I will do what I love one more time before I put away my costumes to birth and bond with this baby.
That, in not quite a nutshell, is this month. At least until Thursday!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Morning, Noon, and Night Sickness

Ugh. I'd forgotten several things about early pregnancy. Morning sickness that lasted all day and having to pee several times a day. Granted, I really wanted this and was so worried about this pregnancy since I hadn't had any morning sickness but I'd forgotten how bad it could be. I'd had some nausea the past week but yesterday just about had me calling in sick. I've lucked out so far and I haven't thrown up like I did with B-Boy (almost but not quite), but at least with him it really was just morning sickness and not all day sickness. I'd get up a half hour earlier just to get it out of the way and continue on with the rest of my day. All I wanted to do yesterday was sleep and drink tea. Today, I woke up without a voice - not a good thing since tonight is opening night for Clue! The Musical. I have a voice now but I'm saving it for tonight. (Can the understudy get an understudy?) I'm starting to believe my husband when he said I was really doing too much: work, rehearsal, baking cakes, growing a child. I actually had to turn down a job for a cake this week. Sad, too, as it was to be from one of our friends to another of our friends; but two days notice with 9 hour work days and 4 hour dress rehearsals does not a cake bake. I swear he almost smiled when I told him I just plain couldn't do it and that sleep was more important to me than the 40 bucks I could make. Yep, an extra three hours of sleep is worth $40 to me right now. Worse though is that the cake they did buy, according to my husband, didn't taste too good and made him sick most of the afternoon. He didn't even want to eat lunch! And if you knew Daddy (the human garbage disposal who weighs in at 123 soaking wet) you wouldn't believe it. Luckily for me, the next two cakes I have scheduled (May and June) are after theatre season. Tomorrow, I am soooo sleeping in because I don't have to be anywhere until 6pm - except grocery shopping. Oh, and cleaning the fridge. And laundry. And....

Friday, April 9, 2010

It's Official.....We're Pregnant!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the final verdict is in and we are indeed pregnant! My poor veins in my left arm are still screaming from being abused three times this week, but it's well worth it for such wonderful news. Our hcg level is 976 which puts us approximately at 5 weeks. I told my mom first and she was ecstatic! We're making plans to travel to Las Cruces to tell my brother and s-i-l and then go shopping at the outlet mall for cute maternity wear! I gave most of what I had last time (5 years ago) to clients at the career center where I worked. Just as well, they went to ladies who needed them and by now would've been outdated. I still have four pieces - black jeans, black skirt, purple satin blouse, and teal/white striped business dress shirt - classics with some color.
So this will make pregnancy number three for Daddy and me, but baby number 5! We'll be lucky number 7! I'm going to make the most of this pregnancy because we are planning this to be the last. Neither of us are spring chickens anymore, this baby will be born just before Daddy turns 40. Plus there is the issue of space, we can't exactly start stacking kids on top of each other. Our van only seats 7. So this last baby will complete our family until at least ten years from now when our first daughter will be in her mid-twenties and we might be ready for grandbabies. I don't have an official due date yet, but it's somewhere around B-Boy's birthday. I'll keep everyone posted. Thanks for your prayers!

Monday, March 29, 2010

A perfect day

It is a perfect day. I do not mean was, because the day in it's entirety was so perfect that if I were to look back at it ten years from now, it would continue to be the perfect day. Just as a painting is beautiful, even though it was painted a hundred years ago, the perfection still continues to exist.
Sunday, March 28th, 2010 - the perfect day for the Powell family.
We woke without alarm clock assistance to a sunny day. I felt happy for no reason other than I was happy. Our son, B-Boy, snuggled with us for a few minutes before announcing that his tummy by rumbling. Josie-bean curled up at my feet so quietly that I thought for a moment that she was the cat. The children ate cereal and I made eggs while Daddy made toast. While we finished eating, the children showered and got ready for church without repeated reminders or raised voices.
Palm Sunday services were beautiful. Father Bill asked Daddy if his office had called him because he would like Daddy to represent one of the apostles on Holy Thursday. Daddy has the same name as an apostle. So he will be getting his feet washed, therefore, I'll be giving him a pedi and making him take his shoes off in the house.
We stopped at home for lunch and then went to the bowling alley. Daddy and some of the folks where he works participated in Bowl for Kids' Sake and loved it enough to want to try to bowl every weekend. This weekend only included our family and one other couple, but it was very fun.
We stopped at the house for a potty break and stale bread then went to the zoo. The children played at the playground in the warm sun for a while. Then we walked around looking at all the animals and fed the ducks at the fishing pond. The children were angels!
After a quick stop at Sam's for steak and veggies, we went to Classics for some chocolate custard cones - delish! We went home and fired up the grill. Daddy grilled the steaks while I steamed veggies and gently cooked some scallops. It was my first time cooking scallops and they came out perfectly! We actually sat at the table for dinner, prayer, and conversation. We all promised ourselves we would try our best to make Sunday dinner always at the table. The children's manners were impeccable - pleases, thank yous, and may I be excused. They even cleared their own plates, even our four year old, B-Boy!
One by one, the little ones left for bed. Then Daddy and I cuddled up, talked about the perfect day, and drifted off to sleep.
I will never forget this perfect day.

Thursday, March 25, 2010


So here I sit in my office with no window to the outside world and only a 24"x24" skylight ten feet above my head giving me any sense of the fact that Spring has begun to show her presence. It's an opaque skylight at that. I love this time of year.... except for my allergies. But those are relatively controlled by my bottle of Zyrtec. I was smarter this year and bought the super-duper-extra large double-pack of them at Sam's. Though I'm sure when I run out, it will take me weeks before I remember to get them again and I'll also run out of tissues.
New Mexico springs are quite different from other places I've lived. In Florida, the change of seasons is sudden - one week it's warm and the next it's warmer. In Panama, it was either the rainy season (and you got rain everyday) or it was the dry season (no rain for months). In California, winter was bitter cold and wet and then went instantly into summer. But here in New Mexico, winter tends to drag it's feet during departure. There are little peeks into what spring with bring - the trees are already budding, some have flowered, the skinny squirrels are running amok having shed all their fat from the fall. There are even blissfully warmish days of sunshine which get you thinking that you can plan a glorious weekend outside, feeling the warm sun on your face, after spending a week long lifetime in a room with no real windows.
And then the e-mails start coming in about how your northern (only 300 miles) away offices are closing because of inclement weather. You walk outside at lunch to run an errand and feel the chill in the air and see some distant dark clouds. By 7pm on Friday night, a cold rain begins. "Oh, it's just a little rain. It'll be nice tomorrow," you say as you head to Wal-mart for something you forgot. Then as you're driving in the cold rain, something changes. The rain becomes... slower....colder....FLUFFIER! You wake up Saturday thinking you just dreamt it all. Put on your sandals to head outside and feed the dog only to quickly run back in shivering because there's snow on the ground and it's freezing cold! Ugh! So much for a sunny Saturday.
This week started off cold and windy. There were some ominous clouds yesterday but they cleared off by the afternoon. Got only one office closure e-mail yesterday, last night was lovely. This morning there was ice on my car.
New Mexico... you surely keep me on my toes. But I'm shopping for sandals today no matter what the weather brings!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Instant Gratification

Our son, B-Boy, has developed the habit of whining. I loathe whining. I believe whining is the only thing in the world that I loathe so much as to actually use the word "loathe." He whines because whatever it is he wants, he wants it NOW. Children today are being raised in a world of Instant Gratification. If you want something, it's only a flash of plastic away. Even our information and knowledge. Gone are the days of working for knowledge. If you want to know who first discovered the platypus, just Google/KGB/Bing it! No more heading to the library (by foot), looking up the right encyclopedia (in a card index), and physically turning pages and reading paragraph after paragraph about the platypus until reaching your answer - Dr. George Shaw, but only after the aboriginal people knew about them for thousands of years! You want to watch a certain movie, Netflix can instantly play it on your computer.
My point? Where is the waiting?
Waiting is a rapidly disappearing skill! And yes, skill, because you have to learn to wait. It's not something you are born with. Even as adults we need to redevelop our skill to wait. Can't afford it, don't charge it - Wait till it's on sale and you've saved the money. Want the kids to just grow up already - Wait, childhood is short enough as it is. Tempted to just give the child what he wants so he'll stop whining (which is loathsome) - Wait, because this too shall pass and he'll have learned the valuable skill called Waiting.
Instant Gratification can kiss my booty - though I'm sure I'll have to wait for that!

Friday, February 26, 2010

Baby? Baby-not?

So Daddy and I have attended two Natural Family Planning classes and have found them very informative. After the first one, we had a discussion about giving it a try since I have had trouble with almost every other kind of birth control.
Believe me when I say trouble: The pill gave me irregular periods, made migraines worse and was difficult to remember to take every single day; The patch made me nauseous at the beginning of every week, didn't like to stay put, and wasn't reliable when I was on an antibiotic; The shot made me sick for three days every time I had to take it, gave me thirty-five extra pounds and also made me panic when Aunt Flo stopped showing up for her visits. Then came the IUD which sounded like it would be the right one. I didn't have any nausea, didn't have to think about it except to check for the strings once a month, didn't have as many migraines (though the ones I did have were worse). But it gave me spotting nearly every single day for the last nine months! I rarely went three days without spotting, was too scared to wear my pretty panties, and should've owned stock in Carefree pantyliners! And then.... the strings disappeared!
So Daddy and I weighed our options and compared notes. We both agreed that the best I ever felt was in the few months between stopping the depo shots and having the mirena put it. I wasn't in as much pain and no nausea. And while he was still on the fence about another baby, I was certain I wanted to give B-Boy a baby brother (or sister if that's what God has planned for us). Plus, hearing that I couldn't be absolved of my sins if I continued to use artificial contraceptives was a shock. I mean, seriously, I can't be forgiven for any of my sins if I continue to use birth control? I was a cradle Catholic, my mom was going to be a nun until she reunited with my dad - she used birth control - wouldn't she have told me that? And no, I don't blame my mom, she had other issues that required her to be extremely careful about how many and when to have her babies. Perhaps I missed something in CCD classes growing up, but while I do remember a short paragraph in my confirmation book (which I still have 18 years later) it wasn't really emphasised as anything other than a personal choice, just sort of frowned upon. Our decision? Commit to NFP, period. Daddy's biggest reason, my health. My biggest reason, to prepare my body for the best chance at another baby. As a couple, for our faith and our marriage. Neither of us are "bible-thumpers" and we'll be the first to admit we have had our fair share of sinning. But somehow, this just feels right. We had the IUD removed over a month ago. Aunt Flo made her first normal visit, temperatures were taken, other things that would be considered TMI were observed, charts were recorded.
And then.... Daddy changed his mind and wants another baby! Little fireworks went off in my heart (and then the bedroom). Charting continues, but as of now, we're pretty sure there isn't a bun in the oven. I told my mom yesterday and her reply was, "When it's God's will." How true. But I cannot tell the world enough how much better I feel. I've been pretty close to pain free for a month! I'm so much happier being free to leave it in God's hands. I'm not even sure if Daddy understands just how much happier I feel but I'm sure he sees it. He has definitely noticed how much I'm NOT in pain. Even my doctor noticed a difference and it fits with the diagnosis of what he thinks I have. Do I feel closer to God? Yes, I do. It's weird in a way because I don't think I've felt like this since my confirmation. The day I went to my appointment to have the IUD removed, a funny thought entered my mind. What if all the problems I've always had with chemical birth control have been God's way of telling me it wasn't the way to go and I just wasn't listening? And as I was thinking over that, I was walking to my car to go to lunch and my appointment. For the first time ever, I heard the bells ring from the monastery down the street. I leave for lunch at the same time everyday and have never heard the bells before. I took it as a sign that I was finally doing the right thing. Hearing the bells on the day I was following through on a change of heart. I thank God for that. If it is in His plan to give us another child or not, I will be happy because He has brought me four wonderful children in a way I had never planned for.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Roller Coaster Heartache

This is not an easy post. But then, this is not an easy life. And writing this is going to be hard either way because I can't really post what I am feeling or what I'm feeling it about. Partly because of who might be reading this and knows me. Mostly because I don't even have it sorted out in my head.
It's no one's fault perhaps except my own for being so naive in believing I was being told the truth. Also because I expected a promise from years ago to be fulfilled when I was ready. And yes, granted it could still come to pass - so am I wrong for feeling betrayed when there is still time for what was promised to happen? But can I hold out hope that he will change his mind? Is it even worth the fight if it destroys what he has planned for our future? And his plans wouldn't be destroyed, just postponed for about as long as he has postponed what I (and originally "we) wanted.
But I love him. More than I thought was possible. But is what he wants me to do asking just too much? It's so similar to what my ex-husband demanded. I know he's nothing like Jason, but why ask this of me? Does he not trust me? If he did, he wouldn't ask me to do this. And yet, I know he trusts me because I can do the things I like and be away from our home and he doesn't question. I've not given him any reason to worry. But for this one person, he cannot let go.
I don't know what to do. I've got no one to talk to. My best friend is my husband and I cannot talk things through about my husband with my husband. So I hand this over to the blog-o-sphere and just ask for prayers because I can't ask for advice on something I can't talk about.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

What is with this freaky weather!?!

It's cold. Then it's warm. Freezing, then nice. And all the freaky snow!!! There is a saying her in New Mexico, "Don't like the weather, just wait fifteen minutes." That couldn't be more true this winter. We have had more snow than I have ever seen. And I've lived here on and off for over twenty years! We've even been sent home early or on delays and had one full snow day here.
I know what our northern friends are thinking, that they still go to work in several feet of snow. But let me tell ya, New Mexico roads are not built for cold weather. It isn't so much the inches of snow (or in some places - 2 feet), it's that it's usually so warm here right before a snowfall that the snow melts right away or starts as rain. Then all that water gets to below freezing and becomes an inch or two of ice beneath the four inches of snow.
I have a lovely little device on my car called "traction control" and I never thought I would ever use it except if I hit some "New Mexico Black Ice," which is really just the film of oil that floats on top of the thin sheets of water when it does rain. It can be dangerous stuff but it doesn't happen often. I even laughed when I discovered the button for it. "Oh, I'll never use this. We're in New Mexico." I AM NOT LAUGHING NOW. This winter, though, my traction control has automatically activated itself all but two of the days it has snowed. I've noticed that most of my companions on the road don't even bother to try to stop at a four way stop. They just slow down enough to let you go on your turn.
Yesterday was nice, not too cold and the sun was out.
Today has been cold, rainy, then sleet, then snow, and now nothing but cold again.
Where's my fifteen minutes of sunshine?

Monday, January 25, 2010

Just needing to blow some smoke...

Appropriate phrasing for the title there.
I just discovered, quite unexpectedly, that Daddy has been smoking again for nearly three months! Argh! I only noticed because I smelled his hair and he smelled of fake strawberries and cigarette smoke. And no, I have no idea where the strawberry smell is from. He admitted to smoking for the last three months in secret. I'm clearly not happy as this to me is lying. I've been blissfully going along praising my husband for quiting smoking in August and handling it so well when in reality.... he's been hiding it behind my back. I'm very disappointed and while I understand that it is an addiction that is very hard to overcome, that does not permit lying to me about it. Ugh!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Another Opening, Another Show....

Only a few more weeks till opening night. 16 days to be exact. We're getting down to the wire and I've still got to choose two outfits. I've got my gown and my pajamas, but my regular clothes still need to be sorted out. The stage looks great, we've really got it looking like a rustic lakeside cabin. There's even some taxidermy animals and fish! Am I nervous? Not yet, and I think I'm going to be fine. At my age, I don't think there's really any reason to get nervous anymore, I'm pretty sure anything I screw up on I'll be able to laugh at. There's even a part where I'm dressed to the nines in my glittery red gown and I let out a loud burp! How UN-ladylike! My "stage" husband has been a real trouper through all this. I have to push him several times up stairs and through doors. If I were really that type of wife, I'm sure I wouldn't be a wife for long. This character has been alot of fun, and exhausting. She's a real stretch from my last character nine years ago. Not sweet and innocent, but cunning and insincere.
My real life husband has also been my knight in tarnished armor throughout this whole experience. He's taken command of picking up B-Boy from daycare and getting the girls to CCD on Wednesdays. He's even been cooking dinner on more than just two nights a week! And pretty good dinners at that! Without him, I wouldn't be able to do this. He is so much more understanding than my last husband was about "stage husbands/boyfriends" or "theatre kisses." I'll have to do something extra special for him to thank him when this is all done. Any suggestions?
By the way...
Daddy had his birthday this past Saturday and I surprised him with a Slave 1 birthday cake. For those of you who are not Star Wars geeks, that would be Bubba Fett's spaceship. All the guys were totally geeking out on the cake! I'm so proud of myself and Daddy was ecstatic! I'll get pics on here as soon as I can.