Thursday, December 18, 2008

Do I write it, or don't I?

That's a question that's been plagueing me today. Actually for a few days. I am generally a very upbeat person. But I would never lie and say I have a perfectly sun-shiney life, no one does. I'm just not one to dwell on bad things, my glass is always half-full. My blog is read by few and yet it is, in my opinion, very exposing. That is my own creation and what I wanted a blog for - a place to tell what I couldn't say in person, to admit what I can't admit out-loud, and a forum for my own sometime silly views of the world.
After a few days thought, I believe I can write it: I am tired, depleted, drained and every other likewise word you can find in your everyday thesaurus. But I am also scared and it is the first time I've ever really admited it. I am tired because after another nearly full day of court to keep custody of our Lena, we have to try again to finish on the 31st. And no, this isn't what I'm scared of. We have an excellent case - child has lived with us for over three years, wants to stay with us, is doing better with us (gifted program, band, dance, and attends/participates in church) then she ever did with her mother. Her mother has only attempted and sucessfully completed three visits with her children this entire year. But I'm dreading more 200+ mile round trips to listen to a woman who clearly isn't willing to actually do anything to spend more time with her children except talk about it and shows us her insane side by telling the court that we threatened to kill her/bury her alive so she couldn't be with her children. (And yes, I did about laugh at that but sucessfully covered it with a cough) Our only worries are that our judge retires at the end of the year and our lawyer need to end her time with us because she's been elected district attorney, so we need to hurry to finish fast.
I'm scared because my father's MRI came back with a tumor on his spine. I had an uncle die from spinal cancer. Daddy and I have been having a hard time, very stressed out (obvious reason referenced above) and Daddy hadn't exactly been very honest with me over the last few months leading to my dad being upset with him, so tack more stress on me because here comes more time with the two of them together----the holidays. Also, Daddy hadn't been very understanding about certain cultural traditions (namely endearing terms) and was upset with my dad. He also wasn't listening to me or being his usual open-minded self, which to be honest, was pissing me off. He didn't understand how serious my dad's condition was when I explained it last month and didn't want to spend any more time at my parent's house than was absolutely necessary. When the MRI came back, I put my foot down and declared what days we were going to my parent's house and that there was no way around it. Which then led to the horrible aftermath of two parents not even wanting to be in the same car together, neither one wanting to budge. My husband-to-be has already lost both his parents, dad when he was ten, mom when he was 31, both his parents were in their 70s or 80s. I finally got the brick wall of stubborness in him to fall when I told him, "I'm not going to get 70 year old parents!" My parents are only in their 50s. Mom is told it's lupus, or not; rhumetoid arthritis, or not; neurological disorder, or not - no test is ever conclusive - one marker is possitive the other is negative, everything is a maybe but she's in more pain than she will ever let anyone know and every year she gets worse. And now dad. He's been in pain for so long with VA doctors telling him it's from injuries he sustained doing rescue mission in Special Forces. He's tried over and over to tell them it's something more and the pain is unbearable, but it has fallen on stubborn buracratic ears only seeing the dollar signs it's going to cost them to help another veteran's body and mind heal from what his country needed him to do. I'm scared that I won't have my parents much longer. It seems like we only just got past the point from when they only saw me as their child. I finally have an respectful adult relationship with my parents and can talk with them. But it's only been a few years. I think Daddy finally gets it, "I'm not going to get 70 year old parents." A camper has been rented, I told Daddy he could call it my Christmas gift, to spend a few days at my parent's home and give two of the most important men in my life their own "cave" to retreat into if they need it. But surprisingly, to both me and Daddy, my dad was in great spirits and Daddy enjoyed his company and my dad enjoyed him. If it is my last Christmas with my dad, I want it to be wonderful for him.
On a side note, our wedding may be pushed up depending on what my dad's doctors say the first week of January. We may be getting married next month!

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