Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Roller Coaster Heartache

This is not an easy post. But then, this is not an easy life. And writing this is going to be hard either way because I can't really post what I am feeling or what I'm feeling it about. Partly because of who might be reading this and knows me. Mostly because I don't even have it sorted out in my head.
It's no one's fault perhaps except my own for being so naive in believing I was being told the truth. Also because I expected a promise from years ago to be fulfilled when I was ready. And yes, granted it could still come to pass - so am I wrong for feeling betrayed when there is still time for what was promised to happen? But can I hold out hope that he will change his mind? Is it even worth the fight if it destroys what he has planned for our future? And his plans wouldn't be destroyed, just postponed for about as long as he has postponed what I (and originally "we) wanted.
But I love him. More than I thought was possible. But is what he wants me to do asking just too much? It's so similar to what my ex-husband demanded. I know he's nothing like Jason, but why ask this of me? Does he not trust me? If he did, he wouldn't ask me to do this. And yet, I know he trusts me because I can do the things I like and be away from our home and he doesn't question. I've not given him any reason to worry. But for this one person, he cannot let go.
I don't know what to do. I've got no one to talk to. My best friend is my husband and I cannot talk things through about my husband with my husband. So I hand this over to the blog-o-sphere and just ask for prayers because I can't ask for advice on something I can't talk about.

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