Morning, Noon, and Night Sickness

Ugh. I'd forgotten several things about early pregnancy. Morning sickness that lasted all day and having to pee several times a day. Granted, I really wanted this and was so worried about this pregnancy since I hadn't had any morning sickness but I'd forgotten how bad it could be. I'd had some nausea the past week but yesterday just about had me calling in sick. I've lucked out so far and I haven't thrown up like I did with B-Boy (almost but not quite), but at least with him it really was just morning sickness and not all day sickness. I'd get up a half hour earlier just to get it out of the way and continue on with the rest of my day. All I wanted to do yesterday was sleep and drink tea. Today, I woke up without a voice - not a good thing since tonight is opening night for Clue! The Musical. I have a voice now but I'm saving it for tonight. (Can the understudy get an understudy?) I'm starting to believe my husband when he said I was really doing too much: work, rehearsal, baking cakes, growing a child. I actually had to turn down a job for a cake this week. Sad, too, as it was to be from one of our friends to another of our friends; but two days notice with 9 hour work days and 4 hour dress rehearsals does not a cake bake. I swear he almost smiled when I told him I just plain couldn't do it and that sleep was more important to me than the 40 bucks I could make. Yep, an extra three hours of sleep is worth $40 to me right now. Worse though is that the cake they did buy, according to my husband, didn't taste too good and made him sick most of the afternoon. He didn't even want to eat lunch! And if you knew Daddy (the human garbage disposal who weighs in at 123 soaking wet) you wouldn't believe it. Luckily for me, the next two cakes I have scheduled (May and June) are after theatre season. Tomorrow, I am soooo sleeping in because I don't have to be anywhere until 6pm - except grocery shopping. Oh, and cleaning the fridge. And laundry. And....

It's Official.....We're Pregnant!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the final verdict is in and we are indeed pregnant! My poor veins in my left arm are still screaming from being abused three times this week, but it's well worth it for such wonderful news. Our hcg level is 976 which puts us approximately at 5 weeks. I told my mom first and she was ecstatic! We're making plans to travel to Las Cruces to tell my brother and s-i-l and then go shopping at the outlet mall for cute maternity wear! I gave most of what I had last time (5 years ago) to clients at the career center where I worked. Just as well, they went to ladies who needed them and by now would've been outdated. I still have four pieces - black jeans, black skirt, purple satin blouse, and teal/white striped business dress shirt - classics with some color.
So this will make pregnancy number three for Daddy and me, but baby number 5! We'll be lucky number 7! I'm going to make the most of this pregnancy because we are planning this to be the last. Neither of us are spring chickens anymore, this baby will be born just before Daddy turns 40. Plus there is the issue of space, we can't exactly start stacking kids on top of each other. Our van only seats 7. So this last baby will complete our family until at least ten years from now when our first daughter will be in her mid-twenties and we might be ready for grandbabies. I don't have an official due date yet, but it's somewhere around B-Boy's birthday. I'll keep everyone posted. Thanks for your prayers!

A perfect day

It is a perfect day. I do not mean was, because the day in it's entirety was so perfect that if I were to look back at it ten years from now, it would continue to be the perfect day. Just as a painting is beautiful, even though it was painted a hundred years ago, the perfection still continues to exist.
Sunday, March 28th, 2010 - the perfect day for the Powell family.
We woke without alarm clock assistance to a sunny day. I felt happy for no reason other than I was happy. Our son, B-Boy, snuggled with us for a few minutes before announcing that his tummy by rumbling. Josie-bean curled up at my feet so quietly that I thought for a moment that she was the cat. The children ate cereal and I made eggs while Daddy made toast. While we finished eating, the children showered and got ready for church without repeated reminders or raised voices.
Palm Sunday services were beautiful. Father Bill asked Daddy if his office had called him because he would like Daddy to represent one of the apostles on Holy Thursday. Daddy has the same name as an apostle. So he will be getting his feet washed, therefore, I'll be giving him a pedi and making him take his shoes off in the house.
We stopped at home for lunch and then went to the bowling alley. Daddy and some of the folks where he works participated in Bowl for Kids' Sake and loved it enough to want to try to bowl every weekend. This weekend only included our family and one other couple, but it was very fun.
We stopped at the house for a potty break and stale bread then went to the zoo. The children played at the playground in the warm sun for a while. Then we walked around looking at all the animals and fed the ducks at the fishing pond. The children were angels!
After a quick stop at Sam's for steak and veggies, we went to Classics for some chocolate custard cones - delish! We went home and fired up the grill. Daddy grilled the steaks while I steamed veggies and gently cooked some scallops. It was my first time cooking scallops and they came out perfectly! We actually sat at the table for dinner, prayer, and conversation. We all promised ourselves we would try our best to make Sunday dinner always at the table. The children's manners were impeccable - pleases, thank yous, and may I be excused. They even cleared their own plates, even our four year old, B-Boy!
One by one, the little ones left for bed. Then Daddy and I cuddled up, talked about the perfect day, and drifted off to sleep.
I will never forget this perfect day.

Spring!

So here I sit in my office with no window to the outside world and only a 24"x24" skylight ten feet above my head giving me any sense of the fact that Spring has begun to show her presence. It's an opaque skylight at that. I love this time of year.... except for my allergies. But those are relatively controlled by my bottle of Zyrtec. I was smarter this year and bought the super-duper-extra large double-pack of them at Sam's. Though I'm sure when I run out, it will take me weeks before I remember to get them again and I'll also run out of tissues.
New Mexico springs are quite different from other places I've lived. In Florida, the change of seasons is sudden - one week it's warm and the next it's warmer. In Panama, it was either the rainy season (and you got rain everyday) or it was the dry season (no rain for months). In California, winter was bitter cold and wet and then went instantly into summer. But here in New Mexico, winter tends to drag it's feet during departure. There are little peeks into what spring with bring - the trees are already budding, some have flowered, the skinny squirrels are running amok having shed all their fat from the fall. There are even blissfully warmish days of sunshine which get you thinking that you can plan a glorious weekend outside, feeling the warm sun on your face, after spending a week long lifetime in a room with no real windows.
And then the e-mails start coming in about how your northern (only 300 miles) away offices are closing because of inclement weather. You walk outside at lunch to run an errand and feel the chill in the air and see some distant dark clouds. By 7pm on Friday night, a cold rain begins. "Oh, it's just a little rain. It'll be nice tomorrow," you say as you head to Wal-mart for something you forgot. Then as you're driving in the cold rain, something changes. The rain becomes... slower....colder....FLUFFIER! You wake up Saturday thinking you just dreamt it all. Put on your sandals to head outside and feed the dog only to quickly run back in shivering because there's snow on the ground and it's freezing cold! Ugh! So much for a sunny Saturday.
This week started off cold and windy. There were some ominous clouds yesterday but they cleared off by the afternoon. Got only one office closure e-mail yesterday, last night was lovely. This morning there was ice on my car.
New Mexico... you surely keep me on my toes. But I'm shopping for sandals today no matter what the weather brings!

Instant Gratification

Our son, B-Boy, has developed the habit of whining. I loathe whining. I believe whining is the only thing in the world that I loathe so much as to actually use the word "loathe." He whines because whatever it is he wants, he wants it NOW. Children today are being raised in a world of Instant Gratification. If you want something, it's only a flash of plastic away. Even our information and knowledge. Gone are the days of working for knowledge. If you want to know who first discovered the platypus, just Google/KGB/Bing it! No more heading to the library (by foot), looking up the right encyclopedia (in a card index), and physically turning pages and reading paragraph after paragraph about the platypus until reaching your answer - Dr. George Shaw, but only after the aboriginal people knew about them for thousands of years! You want to watch a certain movie, Netflix can instantly play it on your computer.
My point? Where is the waiting?
Waiting is a rapidly disappearing skill! And yes, skill, because you have to learn to wait. It's not something you are born with. Even as adults we need to redevelop our skill to wait. Can't afford it, don't charge it - Wait till it's on sale and you've saved the money. Want the kids to just grow up already - Wait, childhood is short enough as it is. Tempted to just give the child what he wants so he'll stop whining (which is loathsome) - Wait, because this too shall pass and he'll have learned the valuable skill called Waiting.
Instant Gratification can kiss my booty - though I'm sure I'll have to wait for that!

Baby? Baby-not?

So Daddy and I have attended two Natural Family Planning classes and have found them very informative. After the first one, we had a discussion about giving it a try since I have had trouble with almost every other kind of birth control.
Believe me when I say trouble: The pill gave me irregular periods, made migraines worse and was difficult to remember to take every single day; The patch made me nauseous at the beginning of every week, didn't like to stay put, and wasn't reliable when I was on an antibiotic; The shot made me sick for three days every time I had to take it, gave me thirty-five extra pounds and also made me panic when Aunt Flo stopped showing up for her visits. Then came the IUD which sounded like it would be the right one. I didn't have any nausea, didn't have to think about it except to check for the strings once a month, didn't have as many migraines (though the ones I did have were worse). But it gave me spotting nearly every single day for the last nine months! I rarely went three days without spotting, was too scared to wear my pretty panties, and should've owned stock in Carefree pantyliners! And then.... the strings disappeared!
So Daddy and I weighed our options and compared notes. We both agreed that the best I ever felt was in the few months between stopping the depo shots and having the mirena put it. I wasn't in as much pain and no nausea. And while he was still on the fence about another baby, I was certain I wanted to give B-Boy a baby brother (or sister if that's what God has planned for us). Plus, hearing that I couldn't be absolved of my sins if I continued to use artificial contraceptives was a shock. I mean, seriously, I can't be forgiven for any of my sins if I continue to use birth control? I was a cradle Catholic, my mom was going to be a nun until she reunited with my dad - she used birth control - wouldn't she have told me that? And no, I don't blame my mom, she had other issues that required her to be extremely careful about how many and when to have her babies. Perhaps I missed something in CCD classes growing up, but while I do remember a short paragraph in my confirmation book (which I still have 18 years later) it wasn't really emphasised as anything other than a personal choice, just sort of frowned upon. Our decision? Commit to NFP, period. Daddy's biggest reason, my health. My biggest reason, to prepare my body for the best chance at another baby. As a couple, for our faith and our marriage. Neither of us are "bible-thumpers" and we'll be the first to admit we have had our fair share of sinning. But somehow, this just feels right. We had the IUD removed over a month ago. Aunt Flo made her first normal visit, temperatures were taken, other things that would be considered TMI were observed, charts were recorded.
And then.... Daddy changed his mind and wants another baby! Little fireworks went off in my heart (and then the bedroom). Charting continues, but as of now, we're pretty sure there isn't a bun in the oven. I told my mom yesterday and her reply was, "When it's God's will." How true. But I cannot tell the world enough how much better I feel. I've been pretty close to pain free for a month! I'm so much happier being free to leave it in God's hands. I'm not even sure if Daddy understands just how much happier I feel but I'm sure he sees it. He has definitely noticed how much I'm NOT in pain. Even my doctor noticed a difference and it fits with the diagnosis of what he thinks I have. Do I feel closer to God? Yes, I do. It's weird in a way because I don't think I've felt like this since my confirmation. The day I went to my appointment to have the IUD removed, a funny thought entered my mind. What if all the problems I've always had with chemical birth control have been God's way of telling me it wasn't the way to go and I just wasn't listening? And as I was thinking over that, I was walking to my car to go to lunch and my appointment. For the first time ever, I heard the bells ring from the monastery down the street. I leave for lunch at the same time everyday and have never heard the bells before. I took it as a sign that I was finally doing the right thing. Hearing the bells on the day I was following through on a change of heart. I thank God for that. If it is in His plan to give us another child or not, I will be happy because He has brought me four wonderful children in a way I had never planned for.

Roller Coaster Heartache

This is not an easy post. But then, this is not an easy life. And writing this is going to be hard either way because I can't really post what I am feeling or what I'm feeling it about. Partly because of who might be reading this and knows me. Mostly because I don't even have it sorted out in my head.
It's no one's fault perhaps except my own for being so naive in believing I was being told the truth. Also because I expected a promise from years ago to be fulfilled when I was ready. And yes, granted it could still come to pass - so am I wrong for feeling betrayed when there is still time for what was promised to happen? But can I hold out hope that he will change his mind? Is it even worth the fight if it destroys what he has planned for our future? And his plans wouldn't be destroyed, just postponed for about as long as he has postponed what I (and originally "we) wanted.
But I love him. More than I thought was possible. But is what he wants me to do asking just too much? It's so similar to what my ex-husband demanded. I know he's nothing like Jason, but why ask this of me? Does he not trust me? If he did, he wouldn't ask me to do this. And yet, I know he trusts me because I can do the things I like and be away from our home and he doesn't question. I've not given him any reason to worry. But for this one person, he cannot let go.
I don't know what to do. I've got no one to talk to. My best friend is my husband and I cannot talk things through about my husband with my husband. So I hand this over to the blog-o-sphere and just ask for prayers because I can't ask for advice on something I can't talk about.