I want to cry, but I don't

I have a sort of clenching feeling in my chest and I feel like my eyeballs are about to burst. If I let myself, I will cry. Not tears of sadness or even of the tremendous joy I feel. Tears of utter frustrations and confusion of what I should do. I have a beautiful child, Josie. She can be the sweetest little girl in the whole wide world, especially when she wants something from you or if we are around people she likes (who usually have something she wants).

But when we are alone and I need her to be a big eight year old girl and clean her room, brush her hair, or any of the other things she is more than capable of doing, she becomes a nightmare. And I don't mean that she's kicking and screaming or throwing a tantrum. That would be easy, I've been through that with each of the other children. She becomes what I can only think of as passive-aggressive. Everything has to be repeated over and over. She is constantly distracted. She won't clean her room, she'll fall asleep under her bed. She will only brush her hair... to a point. Homework has to be carefully watched and checked because she won't do it. Timeouts, don't work. Physical discipline, doesn't work. Grounding her from playtime with friends, doesn't work because she doesn't have any friends. Taking away toys, books, outside time doesn't work because she doesn't care. Even the opposite, giving rewards for completing a task, doesn't work. And if I do get upset with her and send her to her room, I have a bloody mess to clean up because she will rub, scratch, pick her nose or any other place on her body till she bleeds; and she doesn't cry when she does it. I almost don't believe the child feels pain, just like she can't feel if the shower is too hot or cold.

The worst part is that I don't feel like anyone understands how difficult she can be. I believe that because she is such a sweet child around other adults, they just can't believe how difficult she can be. Even her pediatrician tried to blame our dry air and not putting Neosporin in her nose for the nosebleeds. It took me telling her three different times before she understood that the child gives herself the nosebleeds. We have a humidifier, we use Neosporin, but I cannot keep the child from making herself bleed the minute I turn my back. It should not be this hard to convince people. I should not be made to feel like I'm overexaggerating because she's a damn good little actress. I even have a hard time gettting my own husband to believe how difficult she can be. The only person who I know understands is my mom. My mom has seen this little girl in action when she doesn't think anyone is looking. And if looks could kill from this girl, I'd be dead ten times over. My mom doesn't fall for her "I don't understand" or "I need help doing this" bologna. And I just feel so frustrated that I'm ready to cry. I need help.

October, I love you!

I love October!

If October were a guy, it would be the perfect guy for me: not too hot, not too cold, smells good, has beautiful sounds and colors, awesome events like the Balloon Festival, State Fairs, Halloween, that added bit of expectation at the beginning of the holiday season, and mystery.

Today being the first of October, came with much good news and an extra dose of expectation. We are now one less obstacle away from relaxing about the finances. We also have our date for the arrival of our newest baby boy! December 7th! I'm so excited that I might just stay up tonight and bake the pumpkin pie I've been craving! I am so looking forward to meeting this little boy who's been growing, kicking, rolling and causing heartburn for the last seven months. As we have said this is our last pregnancy, I am enjoying every minute of it. We even (finally) gained some weight... 3 pounds. Hey, it's a start. I look huge, at least to myself. Other people have other opinions. Some say I'm huge and look like I'm gonna pop any minute and others are shocked by how small I am. I even had a lady yesterday who sees me about every two weeks who was surprised to find out I was really pregnant! I already love this little boy and his brother, B-boy, already loves him too. I've notice that if B-boy is sleeping in my bed, he and his little brother both wiggle and kick in their sleep if I'm rolled onto my left side. B-boy sleeps on the right. But if I roll right and they are next to each other, they both sleep peacefully. I think the little boy bond is already happening. I'm looking forward to the days when they'll be happily walking side by side together.
The weather has already turned into that lovely combination of cool mornings and tolerable afternoons followed by perfectly lovely evenings. I wish I could sleep outside. I've already begun driving with the air conditioner off and the windows down to enjoy the wind in my hair - which leads to very tangled hair as it is now down to my waist again. I'm trying very hard this pregnancy to avoid the temptation to chop it all off like I did with the last two. My hair grows best when pregnant and I'm not going to get this opportunity again.
It is the season of baking and get togethers, warm sweaters on cool evenings, spicy sweets and warm drinks. Thank you October, I love you!

It's been a long time, old friend

It feels like forever since I last had the energy or time to blog. I've truly missed it. Life, real life, has a way of keeping you busy. We are nearing opening night of the play I did get into. And yes, I got the part of the pregnant lady. It's a drama and the last two scenes involve lots of emotion and crying, but it's a great way to grow as an actor, really streaches my limits. It's also emotionally draining and I'm tired every single night. But I love the theatre as much as I love breathing. I was even over-stressed the other night and felt some way too early contractions but after 20 minutes in the theatre, I was relaxed and the pain went away.

We are extremely under-staffed at work. I'm having to cover an office over two hours away twice a week which involves leaving my home office at 6:45a and not getting back until 6p. Then in August, a co-worker in my home office quit. She went on to what will surely be greener pastures for her and her family. But August is our busiest month and until yesterday, I was over two weeks behind. I'm amazed by what I can get done in two days time, I am now only three days behind on my own caseload.

My darling hubby is stubbornly holding out on rearranging our bedroom for the new baby saying, "We've got plenty of time." I pointed out to him that he's been saying that for four months now and we are down to only 12 weeks left! This baby isn't going to wait forever. Luckily, I have two daughters nearly my size to help and together we moved the bed to where I want it. I think this is the earliest I have ever had nesting syndrome and I can get quite emotional about it, just ask my girls. Some days when they've destroyed the house I am calm and reasonable with them about how important it is that the house stay clean. But other days I am the screaming banshee from hell! I think it would be easier if I was closer to my mom like last time and could take the kids to her house when I went into labor. This time I'm nearly two and a half hours away and will have to rely on the close friends we've made here to come to MY house. I could go insane with how worried I alway am about how clean my house should be when people come over. I even worry about the various religious persons to come knocking at my door for fear that they will see my laundry being folded in the living room because the garage is too hot. I know we'll get it to where I want it to be but the waiting is driving me nuts. Again, ask my girls... I think they secretly laugh behind my back about how crazy mom is right now.

We had our first OB appointment this past Thursday, I was so excited. But we didn't get to hear the heartbeat or learn our due date. However, I am scheduled for an ultrasound this Thursday morning to find out. I really hope the baby is cooperative and we get to see/hear him.
The nausea is better but not entirely gone. I can't even stand the smell of my coffee after about 20 minutes. Actually, pretty much any food smell turns my stomach after 20 minutes. My children have been benefiting from lots of raw foods or things cooked outside on the grill because I just cannot stand the smell in my house. Also, a few nights of cereal for dinner, which for them is a real treat. I even made pancakes for dinner one night. I tried to make a huge batch of green chile stew only to get about halfway through before I couldn't stand the sight or smell of the raw pork. And don't even get me started on chicken! The only thing making this easier is the craving for pizza. Pizza allows me to get away with several things: satisfy the craving, no cooking, paper plates and no utensils. Hamburgers and peanuts cause me to rapidly fly to the bathroom, yeck! But an avocado sandwich is bliss, especially with baby spinach and cucumber slices on wheat bread, yum! And boy, do I have a sweet tooth! Chocolate, cookies, frozen yogurt. Daddy even had to text a friend one night to find out where she got the cookies from that she served at her bar-b-que because I REALLY wanted some. He's such a sweetie and got them for me. They also magically ease the nausea in the middle of the day.
I have learned that cereal for breakfast isn't enough to eat in the mornings. I get the shakes and hot flashes at around 10:30am and have to get something in my tummy quick. So I'll have to add a protein from now on. I also learned that the pickled ginger that came with my dragon roll the other day works wonders on the nausea! I knew ginger was great but pickled ginger I can suck on for-ever! Plus a dragon roll is always a great go-to when you can no longer have sashimi. We found a wonderful recipe for Spinach-Mushroom-Tofu soup in my "One Armed Cook" cookbook that has been great for the nausea too. Plus, it's got just enough protein and fiber to make a good main meal. I ate it for three days! Even my non-tofu and non-mushroom eaters ate every last drop and begged for more! Only one thing... the spinach feels funny on your teeth, sort of like screaming wax beans. (If you've ever eaten wax beans, you know what I mean. The screaming sorta freaks me out.)
I had my birthday this month, I'm on the slide to forty because I can no longer say I'm in the middle of my thirties... 36. What the hell? Where did the time go? I definitely don't feel that old! When my mom was 36, I was 14 and taller than her! She had teenagers at my age, and here I am pregnant with my 3rd/5th child! Her youngest was eight when she was my age. Perhaps that's why I admire her so much. By the time she was my age, she'd done so much. I'm proud of the things I've done too, but somehow, I feel like I dragged my feet a little. I know my mom wouldn't think of it that way, she's glad I took the time to live on my own, go to college, travel. I look back and I see that the reason I took so long to get out and do something was because I was scared. I was scared to leave home, go to college, get married, terrified of becoming a mom, horrified that I was going to be trapped, or worse, do it all wrong. My only regret is the time I wasted being scared all the time. I see that there is so much I would've done better if I hadn't let fear hold me. So I'm taking 36, pregnancy and all, and I've going to face my life, my choices, my husband, my family without fear that I'm doing it wrong. I'm going to live without that voice in my head that says "I can't", the voice that says "I shouldn't", or what "would your parents think?" I have a loving husband and family who are so supportive of me. I have an opportunity to do a play I have wanted to do since I first heard of it. I will be approximately six months pregnant when it is performed. The character I hope to play is six to seven months pregnant. I know one person (whom I love dearly) will not be happy with my decision to be in a production while I'm pregnant and my husband is left at home with the children. But my husband and children are supportive of me, and I will count on them and not let the fear of what "one person" might say or think of me determine my actions. I will do what I love one more time before I put away my costumes to birth and bond with this baby.
That, in not quite a nutshell, is this month. At least until Thursday!

Morning, Noon, and Night Sickness

Ugh. I'd forgotten several things about early pregnancy. Morning sickness that lasted all day and having to pee several times a day. Granted, I really wanted this and was so worried about this pregnancy since I hadn't had any morning sickness but I'd forgotten how bad it could be. I'd had some nausea the past week but yesterday just about had me calling in sick. I've lucked out so far and I haven't thrown up like I did with B-Boy (almost but not quite), but at least with him it really was just morning sickness and not all day sickness. I'd get up a half hour earlier just to get it out of the way and continue on with the rest of my day. All I wanted to do yesterday was sleep and drink tea. Today, I woke up without a voice - not a good thing since tonight is opening night for Clue! The Musical. I have a voice now but I'm saving it for tonight. (Can the understudy get an understudy?) I'm starting to believe my husband when he said I was really doing too much: work, rehearsal, baking cakes, growing a child. I actually had to turn down a job for a cake this week. Sad, too, as it was to be from one of our friends to another of our friends; but two days notice with 9 hour work days and 4 hour dress rehearsals does not a cake bake. I swear he almost smiled when I told him I just plain couldn't do it and that sleep was more important to me than the 40 bucks I could make. Yep, an extra three hours of sleep is worth $40 to me right now. Worse though is that the cake they did buy, according to my husband, didn't taste too good and made him sick most of the afternoon. He didn't even want to eat lunch! And if you knew Daddy (the human garbage disposal who weighs in at 123 soaking wet) you wouldn't believe it. Luckily for me, the next two cakes I have scheduled (May and June) are after theatre season. Tomorrow, I am soooo sleeping in because I don't have to be anywhere until 6pm - except grocery shopping. Oh, and cleaning the fridge. And laundry. And....

It's Official.....We're Pregnant!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the final verdict is in and we are indeed pregnant! My poor veins in my left arm are still screaming from being abused three times this week, but it's well worth it for such wonderful news. Our hcg level is 976 which puts us approximately at 5 weeks. I told my mom first and she was ecstatic! We're making plans to travel to Las Cruces to tell my brother and s-i-l and then go shopping at the outlet mall for cute maternity wear! I gave most of what I had last time (5 years ago) to clients at the career center where I worked. Just as well, they went to ladies who needed them and by now would've been outdated. I still have four pieces - black jeans, black skirt, purple satin blouse, and teal/white striped business dress shirt - classics with some color.
So this will make pregnancy number three for Daddy and me, but baby number 5! We'll be lucky number 7! I'm going to make the most of this pregnancy because we are planning this to be the last. Neither of us are spring chickens anymore, this baby will be born just before Daddy turns 40. Plus there is the issue of space, we can't exactly start stacking kids on top of each other. Our van only seats 7. So this last baby will complete our family until at least ten years from now when our first daughter will be in her mid-twenties and we might be ready for grandbabies. I don't have an official due date yet, but it's somewhere around B-Boy's birthday. I'll keep everyone posted. Thanks for your prayers!

A perfect day

It is a perfect day. I do not mean was, because the day in it's entirety was so perfect that if I were to look back at it ten years from now, it would continue to be the perfect day. Just as a painting is beautiful, even though it was painted a hundred years ago, the perfection still continues to exist.
Sunday, March 28th, 2010 - the perfect day for the Powell family.
We woke without alarm clock assistance to a sunny day. I felt happy for no reason other than I was happy. Our son, B-Boy, snuggled with us for a few minutes before announcing that his tummy by rumbling. Josie-bean curled up at my feet so quietly that I thought for a moment that she was the cat. The children ate cereal and I made eggs while Daddy made toast. While we finished eating, the children showered and got ready for church without repeated reminders or raised voices.
Palm Sunday services were beautiful. Father Bill asked Daddy if his office had called him because he would like Daddy to represent one of the apostles on Holy Thursday. Daddy has the same name as an apostle. So he will be getting his feet washed, therefore, I'll be giving him a pedi and making him take his shoes off in the house.
We stopped at home for lunch and then went to the bowling alley. Daddy and some of the folks where he works participated in Bowl for Kids' Sake and loved it enough to want to try to bowl every weekend. This weekend only included our family and one other couple, but it was very fun.
We stopped at the house for a potty break and stale bread then went to the zoo. The children played at the playground in the warm sun for a while. Then we walked around looking at all the animals and fed the ducks at the fishing pond. The children were angels!
After a quick stop at Sam's for steak and veggies, we went to Classics for some chocolate custard cones - delish! We went home and fired up the grill. Daddy grilled the steaks while I steamed veggies and gently cooked some scallops. It was my first time cooking scallops and they came out perfectly! We actually sat at the table for dinner, prayer, and conversation. We all promised ourselves we would try our best to make Sunday dinner always at the table. The children's manners were impeccable - pleases, thank yous, and may I be excused. They even cleared their own plates, even our four year old, B-Boy!
One by one, the little ones left for bed. Then Daddy and I cuddled up, talked about the perfect day, and drifted off to sleep.
I will never forget this perfect day.